Wednesday, April 30, 2014

New Clippers Owner: Oprah or Mayweather

This is a blog solely based on speculation.

     Now with that out of the way, I am having trouble figuring out who would be worse for the NBA's image as the next Clippers owner, Mayweather or Oprah. Donald Sterling is no doubt a bigot with deplorable views on equality for all races. That's all I want to say about him because he's dead to the world and the Binge is above him. (That's right, the SportBinge, a blog with more grammatical errors than a foreign exchange students english essay, is above a guy worth an estimated $2 billion. A momentous day for us) Making 'the owner' leave the NBA and sell his team is certainly addition by subtraction. But can we have subtraction by addition in this situation? Because that's what we're facing with Oprah and Floyd 'Money' Mayweather bidding on this franchise. Let me break it down for you.

 Mayweather:  'The owner' said some terrible things and deserves to be kicked out, but if saying something bad gets you kicked out, then how on God's green Earth are you going to allow a serial gambler and convicted felon to bid for a team?? This would make the NBA a laughing stock among other leagues for their blatant hypocrisy. It would be Silver saying "Racists have no place in the league, but we're cool with women beaters." This meathead has little man syndrome coupled with an ego that can compete with Yeezy's. This sassy nugget gambles on more games than Ace Rothstein. This nincompoop doesn't even care about what 'the owner' said because he gave him a lollipop once.* If Silver even considers 'Moneys' bid then he comprises the integrity of the league and it effectively become the WWE of the sports world**

Oprah Winfrey: Ahh, this frumpy dumpling again. A racially stirred controversy arises and here's Oprah to come save the day. That's all well and good, I have nothing against this lonely warthog, but here's a question for you, how many pictures can you find on the internet of Oprah at a basketball game? Having trouble? How about Oprah with a basketball, even in the background? So you're probably questioning her passion for the game. Well I'm here to tell you not to fret, because she endorsed a sports bra back in 2008 with multi-layered jugs control, so needless to say she's qualified. Now this is all speculation but if there is one person who would force the first female basketball player in the NBA down our delicate throats, it's going to be this pioneer. Give me as many gay players UMass can populate in the NBA, but keep the xx chromosomes in their own league. With Opie running the show, the news after the games won't be who won or lost, it'll be how many people got The Secret Life of Bees as a free giveaway. Makes me cringe.

     Personally I'm hoping Jordan lets his nuts hang and buys the team because he has the credibility and the benjamins to do it. He's someone the players can get behind and the fans would adore. Plus it would be another thing he could brag about over Lebron which I'm all for. Just keep away the muscle hamster and that old puffer fish.

*Sterling told Mayweather to sit next to him at a game, apparently that's all you need to do to win over that simpleton
**Let's be honest, I don't think any of us would be too against the WWE NBA idea, could spice things up a bit

You Guys Remember Cuttino Mobley? Well He Ages VERY Poorly

Jesus, Cuttino. You're only 38 years old and you look like a fossil. Three things that came to mind when I saw this image:

1. Charles Woodson

2. A stern professor who teaches African American studies.

3. A skinnier version of Eddie from Barbershop.

Hey Haskard, good looks for URI hoops! Your two most famous basketball alums are a crackhead and this geriatric who looks old as dust.

PS- While Cuttino looks bad he doesn't look nearly as awful as his former backcourt buddy:

Monday, April 28, 2014

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens Preview

I HATE THE CANADIENS, and I want you to hate the Candiens too. And when you hit your knees at night, I want you to ask God to hate the Montreal Canadiens (Thank you Brian Piccilo). They bitch, they moan, they whine, and most importantly they literally call 9-1-1 on one of your players because of an accidental (I think) hit. Seriously, for those of you who don’t know, there were Canadiens fans literally calling 9-1-1 to have the police waiting for Zdeno Chara after his hit on Max Pacioretti (see below).

Canadiens fans are the worst kind of people in all of sports and their players are even worse. Nowhere else can you see a whole stadium stand up in unison whenever a player falls down to bitch that there was no call made. It’s even worse when that said player completely dove to get a call. Watch one game and it will be laden with Canadien players pleading to the ref for a penalty call, and diving anytime there is even a little bit of contact. Not to mention cheap shots galore! They are hypocritical babies who deserve every little bit of pain they endure in this upcoming series. I literally have never hated a major league franchise more and I am getting fired up just writing about it. And the worst part is it fires up the Bruins just as much; so much so that often they don’t play controlled Bruins hockey which is just what the Habs want. The Bruins second original six matchups in as many opportunities, and a rivalry that has lived to see its’ now league-record 34th playoff series in this storied history, is literally Christmas come early (and for you Jews, or half Jews like me, it’s Hanukkah, Passover, and Yam Kippur all in one baby). This is the holy grail of NHL matchups. This brings friends together and ruins marriages. This is what playoff hockey is all about. HALLELUJAH!!!!

After a tough series loss to the Bruins in 2011, in which the Canadiens went up 2-0 and went back to their home ice and dropped the next 3 in overtime, this year things are ready to erupt. This is going to be a savage series full of nonstop outrage. Let’s take a look at the makeup of these teams and how this series is going to play out, shall we?

Goaltender Breakdown-

This is an awesome matchup in terms of netminders. In the past it was quite easy to chirp Carey Price because A. he has a girls name and B. because he never wins anything when the pressure is on. However, he just came off a pretty impressive Olympic bout where he played well under pressure leading to a Gold Medal. Price boasted a .927 save percentage, which was tied for third in the NHL. On the same note, Tuukka Rask maintained a .930 save percentage good for number one of starting goaltenders this year. If there is a goaltender left in the Eastern Conference who has any potential to match Tuukka’s level of play it is Carey Price, however I believe it is unlikely he does so. Tuukka is just too strong, too composed, and too good. I give the edge to the Bruins here, as I will in every series (he is the front runner for the Vezina this year).
(Note: the Habs haven't won a cup since the draft changes and expansion 21 years ago)

Offensive Breakdown-

The Canadiens have a very strong offensive attack, one of which is only going to get stronger as the series progresses when they get reinforcements from injured players. Just like Zetteberg in the Red Wings series, the Bruins are going to run into strong offensive returns in this round. The Canadiens for the first time in a long time have the ability to confidently roll out four lines throughout the series just like the Bruins. The only difference is that all four lines are not as good; even if the Canadiens fourth line average more ice time in their first series than the Bruins’ did. The Canadiens for the most part are a smaller team, but they are skillful and really know how to get under the skin of the Bruins. Below are the likely lines for each team:



Bourque-Eller -Gionta


The only two changes that you could possibly see here are the return of Alex Galchenyuk taking over the left-wing position of the Plekanec line, and Travis Moen, a more experienced bigger player, taking over 21-year old Michael Bourinval’s spot.



The changes we may see here would be with returns from Danielle Paille and Chris Kelly. Caron has been filling in during Paille’s absence and scored in the first series. The same is said for Florek replacing Kelly. The Paille return is more realistic than Kelly’s it seems at this point, but I think if all was said and done we would see Florek taken out of the lineup before Caron.

Overall, both of these teams are incredibly deep and threatening. Both teams being able to roll out four competitive lines at any time is going to make this series an absolute war. I would honestly say the offensive prowess of both teams is even keel at this point, and I’m going to give this a draw.

Defensive Breakdown-

The Bruins should not let the weak defensive pressure from the Detroit Red Wings break their focus, because the Canadiens defense is for real. These are the pairs Montreal used versus Tampa Bay:
Markov - Emelin
Gorges - Subban 
Bouillon – Weaver

These line pairs are no joke. Markov is the horse, and Emelin is a feisty bruiser who has had a number of run-ins with Lucic. Subban is a major weapon for the Habs on the back end, and he led Montreal with five assists in the first round. The return of Gorges from his hand injury is huge for Montreal because it allows Subban to play his game, which is often offensively minded.  I think for the first time in a long time, the Bruins are going to miss the likes of Dennis Seidenberg. Although their defense is still deep, having another strong veteran presence on defense could only prove to be beneficial for the B’s. In order for the Bruins to fend off the Hab attack, Dougie Hamilton is going to have to put in another valiant effort. Hamilton is a formidable blue liner who has the ability to score, but his focus needs to be on defense in this series while letting defensive teammates like Krug and Bartkowski be the ones who create some offensive pressure. The Monster (as Canadiens fans call him after his hit on Pacioretti) that is Zdeno Chara as always will be a centerpiece to the Bruins success in this series. Advantage here I believe goes to the Canadiens. I think thay even with Boychuck and Chara the Habs have a slight edge due to their experience and skill. However, I only think this is true if we look at defensive pairs. Total team defensive effort on all ends of the ice with the play of Krejci and Bergeron definitely gives the Bruins an overall defensive edge.

Top 5 Players to Watch in this Series-

1.     Brad Marchand
I don’t know if you can even say he is snake bitten moreso than just plain terrible lately. After those two terrible open net misses in game 4 Marchand needs to get going early in this series for those memories not to fester. Marchand is an easily agitated type player who could lose his nerves in this series if he lets Montreal get the best of him.

2. Thomas Vanek
A known Bruins-killer. Vanek was scooped up at the trade deadline likely with this meeting in mind. In 55 career regular-season games against the Bruins, Vanek has 30 goals and 32 assists for 62 points. He has two goals and an assist for three points in three postseason games against the B's. This guy is quickly becoming enemy number 1.

3.     Carl “The One-Eyed Swede” Soderberg
Soderberg, who is affectionately called “The One-Eyed Swede” due to his terrible eye injury back in 2007 had an unbelievable first career playoff series. Soderberg is blind in one eye, but the way he has been playing recently you would never know it. He has quickly become my favorite player on the Boston Bruins. This dude plays balls to the wall 24/7 and controls the puck with the same finesse as Jamir Jagr-The International Man of Mystery. But seriously, this kid came to play and look for him to have a huge impact on this series.

4.     P.K. Subban
With little brother Malcolm slowly being groomed in the Bruins farm system, P.K. has made a name for himself in the NHL. If he wasn’t a Hab I’d probably love this guy, but since he is I hate him even more. This guy is a threat on both ends of the ice and can really change the complexion of a game. He has been known to give the Bruins trouble in the past and if the Canadiens stand a chance they will have to play great on special teams. An area of hockey in which Subban thrives.

5.     Loui Eriksson
I’m sticking with my man! Give me that Loui baby! Huge goal in game 5 of the first round and he is just going to roll with it. After all this talk coming out about how we should’ve kept Tyler Seguin there has never been a better time for Loui to shut up the critics. Let’s go Loui your time to shine! (Plus he could give a mustache ride with the best of ‘em).

Well there it is folks. This is going to be a battle, and truly there was no way to sum this up in short. Be ready for blood. Be ready for hate. Be ready to want to disown the entire country of Canada. BE READY FOR WAR!


Saturday, April 26, 2014

Listen To This Donald Sterling Audio Telling His Girlfriend To Stop Associating With Black People

Just listen to that audio. It makes my skin crawl. What an outrageously deluded, ignorant and racist piece of scum. How he owns an NBA franchise, let alone a professional franchise, is beyond me. Sterling basically tells his girlfriend that he has no issues with her sleeping with African Americans but he draws the line at being seen with them in public and on social media.

Oh, go ahead sweetheart, tussle in the sheets but if you post a picture of you and Magic Johnson on Instagram it'l be your ass!

Just a despicable human being all around. Adam Silver needs to do something and that something is forcing him to sell this team. This piece of sewer trash has been racist towards Elgin Baylor and has heckled Baron Davis on the court. Do something, anything to get this degenerate away from basketball.

I hope Doc Rivers reacts. I mean majority of your roster is African American and they're the ones filling up your stadium you twit. Probably the one race you don't want to offend.

PS- In all seriousness, it is TRULY ABSURD that a man this backwards and this ignorant is the owner of any entity at all. Just wrap your head around that. 99% of those reading this right now probably have more street smarts than Donald Sterling but he's running a franchise in one of the largest markets in the world and you're reading the Binge.

PPS- Sterling: "...broadcast that you associate with black people. Do you have to?"
        Gold digger GF: "Uhh, but you associate with black people."

        Sterling: "I'm not you, and you're not me. You're supposed to be a delicate white or a delicate   latina girl"

Sound logic, Donald. I guess you do have a point.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Marc Andre Fleury: Tales Of A Mental Midget

     Real talk for a second, is Ray Shero the biggest idiot on the planet? Year after year the Penguins are regular season heroes with 2 of the top 5 players in the league, but this clown refuses to put a goalie with some stones between the pipes. How do you not address this issue?!? Every playoff game the Pens have to deal with the storyline of "Will Fleury get pulled?" which must be exhausting for the fan base. And here we go again tonight with Pitt beatin' that Blue Jacket ass in the wasteland that is Columbus, but they come back to win because.....Fleury crapped his pants. I'm beginning to think that nobody in the history of hockey hates the post-season more than this chooch.

Quick Stats:

Goals Against Average:       Regular Season       v      Playoffs
                    2011-2012             2.36 gaa                      4.63 gaa
                    2012-2013             2.39 gaa                      3.51 gaa

                    2013-2014             2.37 gaa                      3.50 gaa


     Marc Andre Fleury is the type of guy who can talk to any girl at the bar, but when it comes time to take her home he chokes on his words and ruins the whole vibe. He's the type of guy who asks to be the little spoon. He's the guy who will order a salad when the boys are ordering pizza. He's the guy that prefers watching The Good Wife instead of Game of Thrones. For christ sakes Shero, release this fairy before Crosby decides to concuss himself and end his misery. God damn the French are pussies, what a pathetic breed.

Mike Woodson Seems To Be Handling Unemployment Quite Well

Good for Mike Woodson. Haven't seen him smile in years. But, I suppose that's what happens when you're head coach of the Knicks. The life force just gets sucked completely out of you.

Guy literally looks like he's on cloud 9 right now. No longer does he have to put up with Melo telling him to shut up. No longer does he have to coach the fattest and laziest piece of junk, Raymond Felton. No longer does he have to take orders from quite possibly the biggest moron in the NBA, James Dolan.

Nah, instead Mike will hop in a limo full of New York's finest jersey chasers and prostitutes with some booze and a cigar and call it a career. Sit back, enjoy your guaranteed money and blow it all on these whores. Lord knows you've earned it.

PS- Mike Woodson's facial expressions will never get old... he epitomizes the term "dumbfounded"

Hawks Player, Mike Scott, With Some Sweet Tattoos

A lot of people sometimes say "OH, now I've seen it all!" after witnessing something outrageous. But now, I can truly say that I've seen it all. Right before my very eyes is a grown man who permanently inked his body with emojis fit for flirting and adolescent teens.

I'm DYING to know not only his thought process in getting these but also their significance. Surely he didn't get them for any old reason.

I think I'm most curious about the middle emoji though. The big nosed devil as I like to call it. Has anyone ever used that emoji while texting... like in the history of emojis has anyone ever ONCE used this?

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Russel Martin Challenges Maldonado to Charity Boxing Match

Remember that brawl on Sunday in the Pirates-Brewers game? The MLB handed down the first punishment today, and it deservedly went to the guy that threw that ridiculous haymaker, Brewers catcher Martin Maldonado. But that doesn't mean justice is finished being served to the big Puerto Rican catcher.  Yesterday, Pirates catcher Russell Martin did this:

Can't say I'm surprised that Russell Martin threw this out there. If you watch the fight video again, you can see that Russell Martin is one of those guys that has to be "held back" during fights. Nothing worse than the "hold me back" guy. Literally had nothing to do with this fight other than protecting his pitcher, and sure enough he is the one being dragged into the dugout by his buddy. No doubt he spent the rest of the day pacing in the clubhouse mumbling about how he could beat the shit out of Maldonado, or how he used to wrestle back in the day, or how if Maldonado did that "where he grew up…then this would be a different story."

So yes, this was expected. 5 foot 10 stocky men with lined-up hair cuts don't just try to be tough guys, they have a duty to be tough guys. When you walk into that barber shop and tell Frank to give you a "zero fade but line it tight"*, you know EXACTLY the type of life your signing up for. Overreactions, exaggerated stories and size-too-small shirts become your code. That is why I respect Russell Martin for challenging Maldonado. I respect men who adhere to their code. Omar Little and his Robin Hood/gangster code. The Hound and his murder young boys, but never steal code. And now Russell Martin. I respect them all, and I wish Russell the best of luck in beating the buttermilk out of a man who  thinks it is appropriate to storm into a baseball fight throwing punches like it's a Royal Rumble. The only people allowed to actually fight in baseball fights are the players that started the conflict. The role of the bench is to jog out, stretch the legs, and give the illusion of protection. Nothing more, nothing less. That's my code.

*I have no clue if that is what you say in that situation. For me, it's just "High and tight. Light on the tight" then I proceed to not say a word to the SportsClips lady and just watch ESPN.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Newsflash: The Pacers Suck

 What a hideous performance in Game 1. This team may not admit it to the media but they broke their backs trying to get the 1 seed. And for what? Giving it away in the first game of the playoffs... to a team that is sub .500... WITHOUT HORFORD... disgusting. For anyone who thinks they will challenge the Heat I would tell you to go back to sleep. No shot this Pacers squad wins 4 games against Miami.

Most people outside of South Florida hate Miami and LeBron... but get real... after the past 2 NBA finals performances it's impossible to say LeBron and that team is weak. They're unreal. I hate them, but they are GREAT. The Heat could be an 8 seed with their roster and I would still take them to represent the East in the finals.

But this isn't about waxing Miami's marbles, it's about the glaring weaknesses of Indy. Too many to point out, and I'm too tired to point them all out.

But for me, I'm calling curtains on Indiana... maybe they'll beat Atlanta but LeBron and company will butter their bread if they ever play.

Honestly, the only team in the east that can challenge Miami is Chicago. And that will probably end in 5 or 6.

At the end of the day, if you ask anyone who Indiana's best player is they will say Paul George... but they're wrong... Lance Stephenson is. You can't win titles if Lance Stephenson is your best ball player. Not gonna happen.

Brace yourself for a Spurs/Heat rematch or an OKC/Heat rematch.

Leslie Knope is pissed.

PS- Jeff Teague hit em with that night night

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Like It or Not, The PGA Needs Tiger Woods

Disclaimer: This post is obviously a little late. Just go with it.

I don’t know what it is about The Masters that gets me so excited every year in April. It could be the tradition and pageantry and astonishing closing drama. It could be the fact that it is the unofficial start of spring (the snow and cold that showed up this week notwithstanding). It could be the fact that it sits fittingly between the end of March Madness and the beginning of the NHL and NBA playoffs. It could even be that for four days I am convinced golf really isn’t that hard and I could do what those guys do (HA! Not in a million years). Whatever the reason, it is a weekend that even folks who hate golf can appreciate, regardless of the fact that they’re only tuned in to see if the money they wagered on some guy named Jonas Blixt is going to pay off – looking at you O’Rourke.

Having said all that, you know what I found myself doing this past Sunday while Bubba Watson strolled down the famed 18th fairway en route to his second green jacket in three years? Watching the money, drug and sex infused marathon of a movie The Wolf of Wall Street.

Why, you ask? It’s simple. Tiger Woods was out with back surgery. Now, all comparisons between the raucous Jordan Belfort and Tiger and his questionable romps with a few (okay, a laundry list) of porn stars aside – I don’t think I was alone in my disinterest.

Oh, you want to point out that he hasn’t won a major championship in almost six years and hasn’t won The Masters in nine? And how he has fizzled out on the weekend multiple times since returning from his “sex-addict rehab” (as if that is a real thing)? IT DOESN’T MATTER! THE DUDE IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME PLAYER AND THE PGA WOULDN’T BE WHAT IT IS TODAY WITHOUT HIM.

You want proof? How about the lowest weekend TV ratings for The Masters in almost twenty years. TWENTY! I was just a drooling, uncoordinated little shit back then (some would argue that not much has changed in that regard, but I digress). Sure, a 20-year-old up and comer Jordan Spieth brought some interest and Bubba is an appealing and polarizing figure in his own right, but it didn’t matter. Combine Tiger’s absence with Phil “Lefty” Mickelson missing the cut and, well, let’s just say Sunday at The Masters was all but background noise for most.

The PGA and the game of golf needs Tiger – and whatever he has left in the tank.

Many people claim to hate Tiger and wish he would go away after his adulterous behavior. I’m not one to stand on moral high ground here and neither are you, most likely, but this isn’t about him off the course. It’s about the entertainment and fire he brings on it. What he has done since bursting onto the scene as a 21-year-old Masters winner will never be matched. That’s a fact. He’s a freak and when his body finally breaks down and he can no longer compete, it will be a sad day for the PGA and its fans.

Golf purists will be quick to point out that fan favorites like Rory McIlroy, Dustin Johnson, Adam Scott and Ricky Fowler (stupid Puma outfits aside) will continue to bring in young fans and plenty of excitement. They’re not wrong. Hell many guys tune in just to see how much dip Jason Dufner can stuff in his mouth while giving “golf etiquette” the finger. But even the players themselves admit it’s not the same without Tiger and his goose bump-inducing fist pumps (quotes courtesy of ESPN):

Adam Scott: "It's a huge loss."

Mickelson: "It's awkward to not have him here ... He's been the one that's really propelled and driven the bus because he's brought increased ratings, increased sponsors, increased interest."

Justin Rose: "Win, lose or draw, he's a very big draw for the game. People are eager to see how he's going to chase down Jack Nicklaus in every major championship."

McIlroy: "Having Tiger in a tournament definitely creates more buzz, more of an atmosphere. ... I think people will miss him at the start of the week, but by the end of the week, when it comes down to who is going to win the golf tournament, there's going to be a worthy winner and it will produce a lot of excitement." 

Sorry Rory, there was ZERO excitement.

Long ago, there used to be a different “The Guy” every week, led by the great Jack Nicklaus. There was Arnold Palmer and Gary Player and Johnny Miller and Tom Watson and Ben Crenshaw and Greg Norman and John Daly (well, he’ll always be “The Guy”) and Lee Trevino. Today, and for the past 17 years, there has only been one, Tiger. Like it or not, he has single-handedly propelled the game’s popularity to unimaginable heights.

“Oh yea, I’ve always been a big Lefty fan. Forget Tiger.”

“Who cares about Tiger? How can you not root for a guy like Matt Kuchar? Jason Day is a real up-and-comer too.”

“Brandt Snedeker, awesome swing, and he’s already won a FedEx Cup!”

I’ve heard it all. From friends and from family. Everyone trying to get behind some other dude on tour because they don't like the way Tiger carries himself in interviews or because of how he's perceived in the public eye. Again I ask, who cares? You know who wouldn’t be relevant today if it weren’t for Tiger? All of the above. I’m fairly certain the FedEx Cup wouldn't be a thing without Tiger, either.

Experts have long said that his aggressive swing (and perhaps a few chemical enhancements here and there.. cough, cough) would catch up to him and break down his body. We can only hope this isn’t happening yet because whether he wins or not, just knowing he is out there ready to pounce makes watching infinitely more enjoyable and entertaining. I think everyone can admit to that, like the man or not. And if he’s not fit enough to play in the US Open when it arrives at the hallowed grounds of Pinehurst, made so famous by Payne Stewart before his tragic death, then I may as well find another movie for that Sunday right now.

Get well soon, Tiger. The PGA and its fans need ya.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Ice Hockey: American Sports’ Annoying Little Brother

There is a clear and definitive reason that the NHL lags far behind the other three major American sports. A reason that fandom is restricted to north of the Mason-Dixon, and specifically only New England, the Tri-State Area, and the northern Midwest (and Canada if you count it, but c’mon now, I know you don't). A reason why a lockout –which every sport goes through- threatened the sustainability of the entire league.  A reason why I would rather watch Guy Fieri make a complete ass of himself on the Food Network than watch a hockey game. And that reason is:

Ice hockey sucks.

That’s right, you are hearing this from a native New Englander, one who grew up a mere 30 miles from where one of the Hockey meccas of the universe. The town where the Bruins became a member of the Original 6 and cemented their NHL legacy, where college hockey teams like BC, BU, and Northeastern regularly compete for collegiate hockey dominance and produce some of the nation’s best, and in a state that overall loves its hockey: and I cannot stand it. Here’s why:

Hockey is essentially glorified soccer. It’s an indisputable fact that everyone in America hates soccer (except the Binge’s own Subbi) but these same people worship the sport of hockey. Apparently they are too dense to understand it is the SAME THING. Here’s a breakdown: Nothing happens for 15 minutes. The puck, like the soccer ball, goes up and down the ice and maybe is shot a few times… and then all of a sudden – GOOOOAAAAAAL! Everyone goes nuts. Guess what? SAME exact thing happens in soccer. But for some God-only-knows reason, in most people's eyes, a 3-1 hockey game is thrilling, and a 3-1 soccer game is terribly boring. Ridiculous. Either accept both or none at all. To choose one is just hypocritical. Now, am I saying I wouldn’t attend a hockey game as an excuse to get hammered and yell at people? Lord, no. But I can do that anywhere, believe me.  All I'm saying is if you show me a guy that finds watching hockey on television incredibly exciting, I’m going to show you a liar.

The sport allows fighting. ALLOWS IT. You know a sport must be horribly boring to watch when it has to involve fighting in the rules to keep people entertained. Its as if the creators of hockey thought to themselves, "Damn this is gonna be tough to watch, better let em punch each other." And people always use the same argument “Oh fighting is part of the game, hockey players are tough, blah blah blah.” As an obese Ben Stiller so famously says at the end of Dodgeball:  spare me.  Every sport is brutally tough and physically demanding in its own ways. But hockey is the only sport that shoves their physicality in your face unnecessarily. It demands you to be aware of how tough it is.  Seriously... spare me.    

Look, the macho hockey persona makes me sick. These guys think they’re the toughest dudes on the planet because they got a black eye or had a couple teeth knocked out. Joke. Meanwhile, on an NFL football field, you usually see a stretcher or cart once a game.  Not saying that’s a good thing, or even a contest, but football tries not to make it a part of the game. Hockey has to.

  • Sidenote: I could add a bit in here about the low morality that the sport has introduced on our nation’s youth. Stories involving hockey dads killing hockey dads, youth coaches who do not act like role models, and of course, youths being encouraged to drop the gloves:   But this piece will always proudly forgo the moral high road, so don’t be concerned. None of those are reasons why I dislike the sport.

By comparison, basketball is nonstop action for 2 hours; in a good basketball game, points are scored consistently and the excitement never stops. While baseball and football do have breaks, they also have incredible unpredictability with every snap or pitch thrown – you are on the edge of your seat, never knowing what’s going to happen. Hockey brings none of these aspects to the table. An average hockey game will have 55 minutes of boredom with 5 minutes of action sprinkled in, like a couple of chocolate chips on my pancakes. It’s just not enough. Stop wasting America’s time.

Now listen, for those of you who played throughout their youth... I get it. You have an emotional connection with the sport, understand the intricacies and whatnot, you grow out your lettuce and call people “benders”, and that’s all well and good. But the people who really drive me nuts are ones who decide to hop on the NHL bandwagon and decide that hockey, especially – GOOD GOD ESPECIALLY PLAYOFF HOCKEY – is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the rest of us had better shape up and get on board with them. Every bandwagon hockey fan reminds me of Ricky Bobby in his ad for Big Red.. instead they say, "If you don't like playoff hockey then f**k you." Seriously bro? How many regular season games did you watch? My guess is not a lot.  It’s a phenomena that occurs annually at this time, and it never ceases to amaze me. So go ahead Boston fans, call me what you will, say I’m an idiot, say I’m missing out on Stanley Cups, etc… but guess what: my teams are the Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, and UConn athletics (see: bball) each of which have won as much or more than the Bruins in the past 10 years– so really, the joke is on you.

Legendary high school football coach Bill Redell once said, “Hockey’s like watching two guys fish.” Yeah. That’s the whole quote. It’s a real quote too – look it up. Not really sure what he meant by it, but I’m completely on board with his message. I suggest you all consider it tonight. 

Fox Sports v ESPN: A Female Reporters Battle Royale

     Up to this point, Fox Sports 1 has not been able to compete with the powerhouse that is ESPN. Everybody knew it would take time to take down Goliath, which is weird to say because Dinklage towers over most of their male anchors. But this article is not about comparing coverage of games, quality of research data, or TV ratings. This article is about the important things in life, like who's entertaining us better between game action. Who has the better women that make us neanderthals pound our chest and grunt at the screen? Let's take the top 3 female reporters of each network and pin them up against each other. *I recommend scrolling slowly 

        ROUND 1: Josina Anderson (ESPN) vs Molly Mcgrath (Fox Sports)

Tale of the tape: 

Josina - In one word? Spice! This chick will rock whatever outfit she damn well pleases with a sassy attitude and it works every time. Yes she tweets like a 12 year old and she may have blocked me for calling her out on it, but her cat and mouse game is on point! The people love it! Not to mention her mouth could fit a cantaloupe and still have room to chew. Is she black, is she hispanic? Nobody cares, they just see a babe on screen trying to talk sports and it gets their juices flowin'. 

Molly - High school crush, hometown beauty, cutie-pie honeybun. Molly is the epitome of a girl every guy would love to wife up. Every time she's on the screen you can't help but think she's probably the nicest girl in sports. It was a very depressing day when she left the Celtics for greener pastures and we were stuck with ole crackhead Dickerson. Luckily we got rid of that hag and brought in some sweet Chin music. But I digress.

Winner: JOSINA! This bout probably goes 10 rounds but give me the wildcard everyday of the week. Sorry hun, you can't match that sex appeal with just a cute face and nice personality. Nice girls finish last too.

Round 2: Lindsay Cznariak (ESPN) vs. Charissa Thompson (Fox Sports)

Czarniak: Ahh, espins Polish Hammer. Got off to a hot start in the studio, then caught a swimmer and everything spiraled out of control from there. She's a real life version of Knocked Up and I can't hate her for it. Even reminds me of Heigl in the sense that she has on and off days. Easily the least consistent of the bunch. But when she's on, she's on. 

Charissa: Out-performed Beadle on SportsNation and does full splits on screen...what else is there to say. It's worth noting that she's dating Jay Williams (ya, that Jay Williams). Let's all agree to call a spade a spade here, Jay Williams is an ugly, cockeyed dude. Clean it up Thompson.

Winner: Thompson. Landslide victory here, mainly because I hate seeing pregnant women on screen, creeps me out. Not much of a matchup here, almost felt bad for the Czarn. It was like SuperBowl XXXI, the Pats make it on pure fight alone, then just get pickled by the better team. Czarniak got pickled.

       The Main Event: Sage Steele (ESPN) vs. Erin Andrews (FOX Sports)

This is what the people have been waiting for, the prime time event! Friends turned Foe! Two wily vets going head to head for network supremacy! Let Me Here ITTT!! (KG Jumbotron voice)

Steele: The true black mamba. A Lioness. If you're not on the Steele train then you need to take a lap. This girl has it all; the looks, the personality, the sex appeal. She's got former NBA All-Stars begging to take her out on camera, she got a smile that could end the war in Ukraine, and a body that will stay in shape until her dying day. A true 5 tool, middle of the order, every damn day player. Has been anchoring the ESPN lineup since she arrived and still has plenty of good years left in the tank. She actually watches the sports and knows what's going on..for the most part. Has all the intangibles you look for in a franchise player, easily ESPNs best.

Andrews: Here she is, the most polarizing figure in female reporting. The biggest 'me first' player in the game. Naughty. By. Nature. A truly conniving beast, who will do anything to up her fame and fortune. She's scratched and clawed her way to the top of the game, and I can only respect it. It can't be easy coming from Maine and trying to be a sex figure. Maine chicks are disgusting! But guess what, this broad captivates my pants when she's on screen. Yes she's a fame whore, yes she may have planted that peephole, and yes she doesn't have an A+ body or face. But while people may say they hate her out loud, deep in the depths of there twisted minds they're thinking about what a nut she'd be in the sack, and that is an intangible you can't teach.

And the Winner is....:

Andrews pulls it off! Andrews pulls it off! While Fox Sports may be getting crushed in the ratings, they are killing the female reporting game. That's something they can hang their hats on while their technology and overall sports analysis tries to catch up with the WorldWide Leader. Congratulations Fox Sports, at least you're doing something right and making men across the nation awkwardly tuck it up during broadcasts.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

"I Believe That We Will Win" Will Make a Believer Out of You

Now I am by no means a huge futbol fan like my friend Subbi, but this video jacks me up. "I Believe That We Will Win." While I may not truly believe that we will win, the video makes you want to believe, am I right? You go into that video thinking US Men's Soccer sucks and you come out thinking, hell ya we are way better than those European fairies. Seriously though, even if your not a regular futbol fan the World Cup has to get you fired up and jumping on the band wagon. Here at the binge every 4 years we revel in the chance to auction off all 32 competing countries in arguably the best international tournament in sports for the chance to share in the glory of some foreign country. We bid on different teams in order to claim them as our own, hoping that they win the whole tournament and we win the pool. Our hopes and dreams flourish and die with the likes of countries such as C'ote D'Ivoire and Cameroon as we share in the glory of those proud African countries. To most countries this tournament is more than just soccer games, but a chance at something so much bigger. To be the best country at the most popular game in the world can bring a sense of pride not yet felt in American sports. This year the United States has set some lofty goals to meet the high expectations set for them this June in Brazil.

The United States Men's National Team is coming off their most successful year in team history. After a resilient effort in the 2010 World Cup in which the United States finished 12 in the World, noteworthy wins such as the victory of Brazil (2-0) this year in the FIFA World Cup Qualifications round makes this team worth watching in 2014. Now it is more than unlikely that they will even come close to winning the whole thing, but even making a run could help mainstream this sport more in the US and help us dominate yet another sport and facet of life in the world. Head coach Jurgen Klinsmann knows what being on this stage is like, and more importantly how to win. A former World Cup champion in his own right as a player for the country of Germany, he has brought new flare and development to the United States Men's National Soccer Team. Klinsmann uses cutting-edge technology to create innovative training methods and meshes ideas from visionaries across all industries for a holistic approach to developing “24/7” athletes in the game of soccer. Klinsmann is focused on continuing to develop this innovation while doing whatever it takes to help grow this game in America. With a new look, new coach, and new attitude it will be exciting to see our men compete in this amazing tournament come June.