Friday, April 18, 2014

Fox Sports v ESPN: A Female Reporters Battle Royale

     Up to this point, Fox Sports 1 has not been able to compete with the powerhouse that is ESPN. Everybody knew it would take time to take down Goliath, which is weird to say because Dinklage towers over most of their male anchors. But this article is not about comparing coverage of games, quality of research data, or TV ratings. This article is about the important things in life, like who's entertaining us better between game action. Who has the better women that make us neanderthals pound our chest and grunt at the screen? Let's take the top 3 female reporters of each network and pin them up against each other. *I recommend scrolling slowly 

        ROUND 1: Josina Anderson (ESPN) vs Molly Mcgrath (Fox Sports)

Tale of the tape: 

Josina - In one word? Spice! This chick will rock whatever outfit she damn well pleases with a sassy attitude and it works every time. Yes she tweets like a 12 year old and she may have blocked me for calling her out on it, but her cat and mouse game is on point! The people love it! Not to mention her mouth could fit a cantaloupe and still have room to chew. Is she black, is she hispanic? Nobody cares, they just see a babe on screen trying to talk sports and it gets their juices flowin'. 

Molly - High school crush, hometown beauty, cutie-pie honeybun. Molly is the epitome of a girl every guy would love to wife up. Every time she's on the screen you can't help but think she's probably the nicest girl in sports. It was a very depressing day when she left the Celtics for greener pastures and we were stuck with ole crackhead Dickerson. Luckily we got rid of that hag and brought in some sweet Chin music. But I digress.

Winner: JOSINA! This bout probably goes 10 rounds but give me the wildcard everyday of the week. Sorry hun, you can't match that sex appeal with just a cute face and nice personality. Nice girls finish last too.

Round 2: Lindsay Cznariak (ESPN) vs. Charissa Thompson (Fox Sports)

Czarniak: Ahh, espins Polish Hammer. Got off to a hot start in the studio, then caught a swimmer and everything spiraled out of control from there. She's a real life version of Knocked Up and I can't hate her for it. Even reminds me of Heigl in the sense that she has on and off days. Easily the least consistent of the bunch. But when she's on, she's on. 

Charissa: Out-performed Beadle on SportsNation and does full splits on screen...what else is there to say. It's worth noting that she's dating Jay Williams (ya, that Jay Williams). Let's all agree to call a spade a spade here, Jay Williams is an ugly, cockeyed dude. Clean it up Thompson.

Winner: Thompson. Landslide victory here, mainly because I hate seeing pregnant women on screen, creeps me out. Not much of a matchup here, almost felt bad for the Czarn. It was like SuperBowl XXXI, the Pats make it on pure fight alone, then just get pickled by the better team. Czarniak got pickled.

       The Main Event: Sage Steele (ESPN) vs. Erin Andrews (FOX Sports)

This is what the people have been waiting for, the prime time event! Friends turned Foe! Two wily vets going head to head for network supremacy! Let Me Here ITTT!! (KG Jumbotron voice)

Steele: The true black mamba. A Lioness. If you're not on the Steele train then you need to take a lap. This girl has it all; the looks, the personality, the sex appeal. She's got former NBA All-Stars begging to take her out on camera, she got a smile that could end the war in Ukraine, and a body that will stay in shape until her dying day. A true 5 tool, middle of the order, every damn day player. Has been anchoring the ESPN lineup since she arrived and still has plenty of good years left in the tank. She actually watches the sports and knows what's going on..for the most part. Has all the intangibles you look for in a franchise player, easily ESPNs best.

Andrews: Here she is, the most polarizing figure in female reporting. The biggest 'me first' player in the game. Naughty. By. Nature. A truly conniving beast, who will do anything to up her fame and fortune. She's scratched and clawed her way to the top of the game, and I can only respect it. It can't be easy coming from Maine and trying to be a sex figure. Maine chicks are disgusting! But guess what, this broad captivates my pants when she's on screen. Yes she's a fame whore, yes she may have planted that peephole, and yes she doesn't have an A+ body or face. But while people may say they hate her out loud, deep in the depths of there twisted minds they're thinking about what a nut she'd be in the sack, and that is an intangible you can't teach.

And the Winner is....:

Andrews pulls it off! Andrews pulls it off! While Fox Sports may be getting crushed in the ratings, they are killing the female reporting game. That's something they can hang their hats on while their technology and overall sports analysis tries to catch up with the WorldWide Leader. Congratulations Fox Sports, at least you're doing something right and making men across the nation awkwardly tuck it up during broadcasts.

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