Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Marc Andre Fleury: Tales Of A Mental Midget

     Real talk for a second, is Ray Shero the biggest idiot on the planet? Year after year the Penguins are regular season heroes with 2 of the top 5 players in the league, but this clown refuses to put a goalie with some stones between the pipes. How do you not address this issue?!? Every playoff game the Pens have to deal with the storyline of "Will Fleury get pulled?" which must be exhausting for the fan base. And here we go again tonight with Pitt beatin' that Blue Jacket ass in the wasteland that is Columbus, but they come back to win because.....Fleury crapped his pants. I'm beginning to think that nobody in the history of hockey hates the post-season more than this chooch.

Quick Stats:

Goals Against Average:       Regular Season       v      Playoffs
                    2011-2012             2.36 gaa                      4.63 gaa
                    2012-2013             2.39 gaa                      3.51 gaa

                    2013-2014             2.37 gaa                      3.50 gaa


     Marc Andre Fleury is the type of guy who can talk to any girl at the bar, but when it comes time to take her home he chokes on his words and ruins the whole vibe. He's the type of guy who asks to be the little spoon. He's the guy who will order a salad when the boys are ordering pizza. He's the guy that prefers watching The Good Wife instead of Game of Thrones. For christ sakes Shero, release this fairy before Crosby decides to concuss himself and end his misery. God damn the French are pussies, what a pathetic breed.

Mike Woodson Seems To Be Handling Unemployment Quite Well

Good for Mike Woodson. Haven't seen him smile in years. But, I suppose that's what happens when you're head coach of the Knicks. The life force just gets sucked completely out of you.

Guy literally looks like he's on cloud 9 right now. No longer does he have to put up with Melo telling him to shut up. No longer does he have to coach the fattest and laziest piece of junk, Raymond Felton. No longer does he have to take orders from quite possibly the biggest moron in the NBA, James Dolan.

Nah, instead Mike will hop in a limo full of New York's finest jersey chasers and prostitutes with some booze and a cigar and call it a career. Sit back, enjoy your guaranteed money and blow it all on these whores. Lord knows you've earned it.

PS- Mike Woodson's facial expressions will never get old... he epitomizes the term "dumbfounded"

Hawks Player, Mike Scott, With Some Sweet Tattoos

A lot of people sometimes say "OH, now I've seen it all!" after witnessing something outrageous. But now, I can truly say that I've seen it all. Right before my very eyes is a grown man who permanently inked his body with emojis fit for flirting and adolescent teens.

I'm DYING to know not only his thought process in getting these but also their significance. Surely he didn't get them for any old reason.

I think I'm most curious about the middle emoji though. The big nosed devil as I like to call it. Has anyone ever used that emoji while texting... like in the history of emojis has anyone ever ONCE used this?

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Russel Martin Challenges Maldonado to Charity Boxing Match

Remember that brawl on Sunday in the Pirates-Brewers game? The MLB handed down the first punishment today, and it deservedly went to the guy that threw that ridiculous haymaker, Brewers catcher Martin Maldonado. But that doesn't mean justice is finished being served to the big Puerto Rican catcher.  Yesterday, Pirates catcher Russell Martin did this:

Can't say I'm surprised that Russell Martin threw this out there. If you watch the fight video again, you can see that Russell Martin is one of those guys that has to be "held back" during fights. Nothing worse than the "hold me back" guy. Literally had nothing to do with this fight other than protecting his pitcher, and sure enough he is the one being dragged into the dugout by his buddy. No doubt he spent the rest of the day pacing in the clubhouse mumbling about how he could beat the shit out of Maldonado, or how he used to wrestle back in the day, or how if Maldonado did that "where he grew up…then this would be a different story."

So yes, this was expected. 5 foot 10 stocky men with lined-up hair cuts don't just try to be tough guys, they have a duty to be tough guys. When you walk into that barber shop and tell Frank to give you a "zero fade but line it tight"*, you know EXACTLY the type of life your signing up for. Overreactions, exaggerated stories and size-too-small shirts become your code. That is why I respect Russell Martin for challenging Maldonado. I respect men who adhere to their code. Omar Little and his Robin Hood/gangster code. The Hound and his murder young boys, but never steal code. And now Russell Martin. I respect them all, and I wish Russell the best of luck in beating the buttermilk out of a man who  thinks it is appropriate to storm into a baseball fight throwing punches like it's a Royal Rumble. The only people allowed to actually fight in baseball fights are the players that started the conflict. The role of the bench is to jog out, stretch the legs, and give the illusion of protection. Nothing more, nothing less. That's my code.

*I have no clue if that is what you say in that situation. For me, it's just "High and tight. Light on the tight" then I proceed to not say a word to the SportsClips lady and just watch ESPN.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Newsflash: The Pacers Suck

 What a hideous performance in Game 1. This team may not admit it to the media but they broke their backs trying to get the 1 seed. And for what? Giving it away in the first game of the playoffs... to a team that is sub .500... WITHOUT HORFORD... disgusting. For anyone who thinks they will challenge the Heat I would tell you to go back to sleep. No shot this Pacers squad wins 4 games against Miami.

Most people outside of South Florida hate Miami and LeBron... but get real... after the past 2 NBA finals performances it's impossible to say LeBron and that team is weak. They're unreal. I hate them, but they are GREAT. The Heat could be an 8 seed with their roster and I would still take them to represent the East in the finals.

But this isn't about waxing Miami's marbles, it's about the glaring weaknesses of Indy. Too many to point out, and I'm too tired to point them all out.

But for me, I'm calling curtains on Indiana... maybe they'll beat Atlanta but LeBron and company will butter their bread if they ever play.

Honestly, the only team in the east that can challenge Miami is Chicago. And that will probably end in 5 or 6.

At the end of the day, if you ask anyone who Indiana's best player is they will say Paul George... but they're wrong... Lance Stephenson is. You can't win titles if Lance Stephenson is your best ball player. Not gonna happen.

Brace yourself for a Spurs/Heat rematch or an OKC/Heat rematch.

Leslie Knope is pissed.

PS- Jeff Teague hit em with that night night

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Like It or Not, The PGA Needs Tiger Woods

Disclaimer: This post is obviously a little late. Just go with it.

I don’t know what it is about The Masters that gets me so excited every year in April. It could be the tradition and pageantry and astonishing closing drama. It could be the fact that it is the unofficial start of spring (the snow and cold that showed up this week notwithstanding). It could be the fact that it sits fittingly between the end of March Madness and the beginning of the NHL and NBA playoffs. It could even be that for four days I am convinced golf really isn’t that hard and I could do what those guys do (HA! Not in a million years). Whatever the reason, it is a weekend that even folks who hate golf can appreciate, regardless of the fact that they’re only tuned in to see if the money they wagered on some guy named Jonas Blixt is going to pay off – looking at you O’Rourke.

Having said all that, you know what I found myself doing this past Sunday while Bubba Watson strolled down the famed 18th fairway en route to his second green jacket in three years? Watching the money, drug and sex infused marathon of a movie The Wolf of Wall Street.

Why, you ask? It’s simple. Tiger Woods was out with back surgery. Now, all comparisons between the raucous Jordan Belfort and Tiger and his questionable romps with a few (okay, a laundry list) of porn stars aside – I don’t think I was alone in my disinterest.

Oh, you want to point out that he hasn’t won a major championship in almost six years and hasn’t won The Masters in nine? And how he has fizzled out on the weekend multiple times since returning from his “sex-addict rehab” (as if that is a real thing)? IT DOESN’T MATTER! THE DUDE IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME PLAYER AND THE PGA WOULDN’T BE WHAT IT IS TODAY WITHOUT HIM.

You want proof? How about the lowest weekend TV ratings for The Masters in almost twenty years. TWENTY! I was just a drooling, uncoordinated little shit back then (some would argue that not much has changed in that regard, but I digress). Sure, a 20-year-old up and comer Jordan Spieth brought some interest and Bubba is an appealing and polarizing figure in his own right, but it didn’t matter. Combine Tiger’s absence with Phil “Lefty” Mickelson missing the cut and, well, let’s just say Sunday at The Masters was all but background noise for most.

The PGA and the game of golf needs Tiger – and whatever he has left in the tank.

Many people claim to hate Tiger and wish he would go away after his adulterous behavior. I’m not one to stand on moral high ground here and neither are you, most likely, but this isn’t about him off the course. It’s about the entertainment and fire he brings on it. What he has done since bursting onto the scene as a 21-year-old Masters winner will never be matched. That’s a fact. He’s a freak and when his body finally breaks down and he can no longer compete, it will be a sad day for the PGA and its fans.

Golf purists will be quick to point out that fan favorites like Rory McIlroy, Dustin Johnson, Adam Scott and Ricky Fowler (stupid Puma outfits aside) will continue to bring in young fans and plenty of excitement. They’re not wrong. Hell many guys tune in just to see how much dip Jason Dufner can stuff in his mouth while giving “golf etiquette” the finger. But even the players themselves admit it’s not the same without Tiger and his goose bump-inducing fist pumps (quotes courtesy of ESPN):

Adam Scott: "It's a huge loss."

Mickelson: "It's awkward to not have him here ... He's been the one that's really propelled and driven the bus because he's brought increased ratings, increased sponsors, increased interest."

Justin Rose: "Win, lose or draw, he's a very big draw for the game. People are eager to see how he's going to chase down Jack Nicklaus in every major championship."

McIlroy: "Having Tiger in a tournament definitely creates more buzz, more of an atmosphere. ... I think people will miss him at the start of the week, but by the end of the week, when it comes down to who is going to win the golf tournament, there's going to be a worthy winner and it will produce a lot of excitement." 

Sorry Rory, there was ZERO excitement.

Long ago, there used to be a different “The Guy” every week, led by the great Jack Nicklaus. There was Arnold Palmer and Gary Player and Johnny Miller and Tom Watson and Ben Crenshaw and Greg Norman and John Daly (well, he’ll always be “The Guy”) and Lee Trevino. Today, and for the past 17 years, there has only been one, Tiger. Like it or not, he has single-handedly propelled the game’s popularity to unimaginable heights.

“Oh yea, I’ve always been a big Lefty fan. Forget Tiger.”

“Who cares about Tiger? How can you not root for a guy like Matt Kuchar? Jason Day is a real up-and-comer too.”

“Brandt Snedeker, awesome swing, and he’s already won a FedEx Cup!”

I’ve heard it all. From friends and from family. Everyone trying to get behind some other dude on tour because they don't like the way Tiger carries himself in interviews or because of how he's perceived in the public eye. Again I ask, who cares? You know who wouldn’t be relevant today if it weren’t for Tiger? All of the above. I’m fairly certain the FedEx Cup wouldn't be a thing without Tiger, either.

Experts have long said that his aggressive swing (and perhaps a few chemical enhancements here and there.. cough, cough) would catch up to him and break down his body. We can only hope this isn’t happening yet because whether he wins or not, just knowing he is out there ready to pounce makes watching infinitely more enjoyable and entertaining. I think everyone can admit to that, like the man or not. And if he’s not fit enough to play in the US Open when it arrives at the hallowed grounds of Pinehurst, made so famous by Payne Stewart before his tragic death, then I may as well find another movie for that Sunday right now.

Get well soon, Tiger. The PGA and its fans need ya.